Tuesday, March 24, 2015

How we got here.

When people find out you are pregnant they will ask you all sorts of interesting questions about what you will do, or what would you want. Do you want a boy or girl? They also will ask you random hypothetical questions. I would always answer, "I just want him happy and healthy."  I realize now that was a lie. I wanted my child happy, healthy and without struggle.
I'm not sure where to begin explaining our situation. Brody has always been our quirky little boy and had interested traits, jumping and running for long periods of time for no reason (which is very useful when you are trying to work on house chores), getting stuck in what we called his "infinite loop" constantly repeating the same word or phrase over and over, licking his lips until they were raw and then the past several months he has started hitting/slapping his head for no reason. Again, these were all quirky traits of Brody and made him who he was so at first we didn’t acknowledge these traits could be anything other than “our goofy little boy.”  

At Brody’s 3 year check-up appointment his pediatrician was going through the list of “milestones” and I remember her asking about his speech. After discussing how Brody had limited speech and had never said a full sentence it was suggested for us to have his speech evaluated. Three weeks later we had the evaluation and it was determined that he needed speech therapy. I cried and I felt so silly for crying. This was no big deal and very common. At the same time, we decided to transition Bro Bro into a school instead of daycare sooner than what we had planned to hopefully help with his development. It was a hard transition. Take that back, it was an AWFUL transition. The school, teachers and staff were amazing but Brody did not adjust well to the change. He cried so much every morning and sometimes he would have to physically be dragged in the door and taken crying from my arms. It was excruciating as a mom BUT it was “for the best” so I endured it. Finally after awhile Brody started to say sentences, “I want milk.” “Give me chocolate.” Don’t judge the last sentence, it’s amazing what you will do/reward your child for when they finally speak a sentence.  I’ll never forget the morning when his awesome speech therapist came to speak to me. She was concerned that Brody had not been progressing at a faster pace. We discussed how he had great memorization and could sing songs and while singing could enunciate so well. She advised it was time to have him seen by a Developmental Pediatrician. The referral was made and when we received the appointment it was for June...7 MONTHS AWAY! I remember throwing my cell phone after hearing this. 7 months? Are you kidding me? I never realized there was such a backlog and need for these appointments. After praying, I decided to do something I typically don’t like doing…I asked for a favor and the appointment was moved to March. 5 months seemed so much better than 7! 

The holidays came and then a home renovation. These were much needed “distractions” from what was ahead but I still worried. It wasn’t until our home renovation slowed that I really started to think about the situation. We decided to keep the appointment from our family and most of our friends. There was no reason to worry them necessarily. But every day I would cry. I would cry for not knowing what was happening and I would cry from frustration and fear. I also prayed so much during this time. I prayed until I was so confused and not sure what I was praying for. Did I want a diagnosis or did I want to leave still not sure what we were dealing with? I needed peace. 

Fast forward to March 23 to our appointment. The doctor was so nice and she had a very relaxed way of asking questions. After the appointment and hearing it confirmed what we had suspected, I went through every emotion possible: sad, angry, confused, scared and relieved. I am still going through all of these emotions.  
I know things could be worse but that doesn't make me feel better. This is something I can't fix and for the controller in me that is hard to accept. I am normally a strong person, I've had no choice but to be strong in my life but I feel so weak.  Bill and I had discussed whether or not we wanted to “share” the news about Brody. We decided that for better or worse, this is our life. I never want anyone to think I am nothing but absolutely thankful and proud to be his mother. I have no idea why this is our path but I know I am blessed and honored to have this mini human in my life. 


  1. Beth, you have beautifully expressed your feelings above about a challenging time in your life. I encourage you to continue to do so- you will encourage others experiencing similar circumstances.

    Prayers for you, Bill and Brody.

  2. Brody could not have better parents who will help him be everything he wants and is capable of being. You can not ask more of yourself than that. I'm glad that you identified this so early.