People that know me well know that I am a planner, and yes some may even say I am a bit of a “control freak,” which I suppose is totally true. I am admittedly much more of an action, than a sit back kind of person. I believe Vanilla Ice said it best in his 90s masterpiece of a ballad, “If there was a problem, Yo, I’ll, I’ll solve it!”
Moving on…
One year ago yesterday, I was visiting my father who was going through a divorce. The purpose of the visit was for me to help him “replenish” his home with decor that he wasn’t swift enough to negotiate for in the litigation and also just to make sure he was doing well. I had already been up early on a ladder cleaning and decorating bookshelves when I realized I needed to hurry because I had a list of antique stores in his town where I knew we could find some cute items. I had a plan for the entire day everything from shopping, lunch, playground to a much needed one on one conversation with my father on “choosing wiser next time.” Apparently life had a different to-do list in mind for the day.
I had barely gotten out of the shower when Bill started knocking on the bathroom door, telling me my dad was on the phone and that he thought something was going on. At first I didn’t think much of it and continued my "primping" routine... because every problem can be solved a little easier after you have applied some mascara and concealer. A few minutes later Bill returned and told me he really thought I needed to come out but he wouldn’t tell me what was happening. So I quickly got dressed, and as I marched out I thought to myself “what in the world could be going on now?” My life had already been a whirlwind lately. Less than two months prior Brody had been diagnosed with Autism and here I was helping my dad with a divorce so what problem could be occurring now? I turned the corner and made eye contact with my dad and knew that it was probably something serious by his expression. He looked up after getting off the phone and said “Sweetie, your mother’s died.” At that moment, I went numb and went into my Beth “fix this” mode. A little side note about me; whenever there is a crisis I tend to function at my best, in some capacities I sort of emotionally shut off in order to do what needs to be done.
My first priority was to speak to my sister and brother and make sure they also had been told.
I’m going to fast forward through details of the next hour and half of absolute utter confusion (seriously no other word can describe it), but we decided my dad would drive me to my hometown (which was about 45 minutes away) while Bill stayed behind with Brody. When we arrived at my childhood home and I saw the amount of cars and the sheriff’s office parked out front, my immediate reaction was frustration. I thought to myself someone had passed away so why were all of these cars along with law enforcement here? After we parked, I went to my sister and brother who were gathered outside (we weren't allowed inside the home) and then they told me that my mother had committed suicide.
I had not seen my mother since my step-dad’s funeral when I was 8 month’s pregnant about 4 year's prior. I had made a decision to no longer have my mother in my life. This was not an easy decision and I know some in her life viewed it as a selfish decision. I had come to a point where I knew I wasn't strong enough to continue the battles and came to the realization that no matter what argument or ultimatum given things would not change. I did not want Bro to witness what side of me our relationship brought out or experience the dynamics involved. I just wanted to absolutely shelter him from that side of my life. But the decision to no longer have my mother in my life was a decision I had made and I have to own it and I do.
And yes, I struggle every day with the guilt of the decision I made.
Obviously, that day my Saturday to-do list changed drastically. Instead of what I thought would be a day of solving my dad’s feng-shui problems and giving him grief for having to do so, we were gathered in a funeral home planning my mom’s funeral. It’s crazy how in a moment your life can totally change forever. I never thought suicide would be a word that would be in my vocabulary but it is and will forever be.
One of my dear friends has a perfect phrase. Excuse the language, “Everyone has their shit.” Isn’t that statement one of the truest statements ever made? Although social media is great for scrapbooking life’s happy and fun moments, we truly never know what is occurring in people’s lives. No one’s life is perfect, no matter how much you think “they have it easy” or “they have the perfect life” it simply does not exist. When things like this happen in your life you will see people who show you love and kindness that you never expected. You will have people that drive for 4 hours to your hometown and don't even approach you but instead sit quietly in a funeral pew just to let you know they are there. You will have people who will come to you when you need it most and you will have people that know to simply leave you alone because a lot of times that’s what you need most. Ultimately, when awful things occur you will witness some of the examples above of pure compassion and that is what will help to get you through.
I'm not entirely sure the purpose of why I am writing this blog. Maybe just to say you just never know how life’s to-do list can change your world entirely.
